WordPress tells me that the last time I published on this blog was six months ago. That was June.
In June, my father developed a nasty cough.
In July, he was on oxygen.
In August, he was in the hospital. For 23 days.
And on the 30th of August, he passed away, after battling cancer for seven years.
The past six months have been very, very difficult.
It felt weird, if not outright wrong, to not to have to worry about the next doctor’s appointment, the next lab result, where to source so-and-so medicine, and how the hell was I going to pay the next doctor’s fee.
It felt weird to have time and headspace for myself. It felt morally wrong to enjoy that time and space.
For a long time, my brain shut down. I couldn’t process any long-term thoughts. Day to day I’d come into the office, rely on my to-do list to get me through the day and give me the illusion of productivity.
Around December I met up with a friend and plotted a long-term project. While I usually would take on the planner role, my brain was just mush and I let her take the lead. We’re supposed to do something late February/early March.
Also in December, I signed up for an online Data Analysis school (details to follow). In gist, the school had offered a partial scholarship. Both my current and previous managers encouraged me to take it. The track in particular was for career transition to analytics.
It was like life forcing its hand telling me, “If you don’t do this now you’ll regret it!”.
Except I had a big certification exam coming up. And that long-term project with my friend. How the hell was I going to find time for this school?!
So in January I opened up my Trello board again for the first time in months, the one where I was running with the focus project.
It was like brain diarrhea. Every single “I have to do this…” thought I had in the past few weeks couldn’t transfer from my brain to the keyboard fast enough.
I was surprised at how I could think in terms of weeks and months again.
I further surprised myself by coming up with an idea on how to improve on the focus project. And how even more surprising, was that one of my first thoughts after the a-ha! moment, was to share the idea through my blog.
So here I am. I’m not 100% back, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be. In a couple of weeks my father would have celebrated his 57th birthday. I’ve been more teary-eyed this week than I have been the past few months.
But I enjoy writing. And sharing my ideas in this form. So here I am, showing up, drafting one letter, one word, at a time.